Little Boys in the Pink

In Fiction on January 6, 2010 at 10:51 pm

By Mercy

This story is one of observation. It holds little to no scientific value. It is mostly just a compilation of my opinions regarding small children and their relationship with balloons.

Children have simple opinions. Oliver, for instance, believes pink to be superior to every other color. No contest.

Rose would quite agree.

For a few years I worked at a grocery store that had balloons tied to every register. Part of my job was to hand these balloons out to any child that asked for one. I suppose in an effort to teach children to be decisive or to live in satisfaction of knowing they had gotten exactly what they wished for in a world where not all wishes come true; we, the parents and I, would bombard the child with the question “which color do you want?”

To some kids color mattered very little. Weather given blue, red or brown these children would hold tightly to their new prize with wide smiles. To others color had a much greater baring. If they didn’t see their desired color they would start to cry and I, the store clerk, would have to ring a bell three times and yell to a fellow employee that I needed a red balloon stat or we would have a child, red with rage, on our hands.

No color inspired so much decisiveness amongst these youngsters as the color pink. I don’t know what it is about this pretty pastel hue that inspires such intense emotions. Very few important things are pink. The earth isn’t pink. The sky isn’t pink. Nor is the sea. Nor are your mother’s eyes unless she happens to be Albino. Though, come to think of it, most pussies are pink. Wouldn’t I love it if that was the reason little girls loved pink? Because they love their own vaginas so much that they want to see it’s properties reflected in everything they own?

A normal occurrence in my days of balloon handling was for a little boy to request for—or be left with no other option then—pink. Oh, the awkwardness. Sometimes this situation would illicit nervous laughter or some joke about how funny effeminate boys are. Sometimes parents would coerce the lad to choose something else. Other parents would flat out refuse. Either they should pick a different color or none at all. One time a boy quickly explained he was actually intending to take home one for his sister. Nice recovery kid.

If I don’t understand why pink is so much fun to look at, I can only guess why so many parents would rather see it anywhere but for on their boy’s body. I imagine it has something to do with sexuality. See it is too often assumed that if a child does not act according to their assigned gender then they must be gay. You would think by the look on their faces that their son had not said “I like pink more then blue.” but rather “I like to take it up the ass.”

I’ll tell you right now. Homosexuality is not caught by exposure to a shade whitish-red. I have no studies to offer you on the subject. Just my own assurance that this is true. There is a condition that does seem to spread from parent to child and if not given the proper treatment can become quite serious. Homophobia is 70% more likely to develop in men who were ashamed to like colors as children.* And homophobia is what your boy will most likely get infected with if humiliation is avoided in regards to pleasant emotions this color might elicit. So please, keep your little boys safe from this raging epidemic. Get them the pink balloon.

*(Fictional statistic.)

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  1. I work in a grocery store as well and the best remedy for kids that are crying is balloons… I’m thankful for them =)

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